Normally, conservative politicians elicit an allergic-type reaction in me—hives, itching, watery eyes, slight nausea, and a moderate to severe feeling of apprehension. But I must admit that the Republican primary has been one of the most endearing shows on the talking box all year.
First we get Donald Trump threatening to run for president and going all birther in order to boost his ratings for the Apprentice. Nobody really takes this loon seriously, but the media jumps all over it because, after all, the media does exist mostly for entertainment value. Obama releases the birth certificate and Trump finally fizzles (though, I hear Orly Taitz is still on the case—so hope endures, Donald)
Crazy Eyes Bachmann wins a straw poll in Iowa, which is about as far away from a bellwether state as you can get, and suddenly Republicans take seriously this woman who once claimed that Congress should be probed for anti-American views. Remind me again, what kind of legacy did Joseph McCarthy leave behind? Hey, crazy lady, disagreeing with you does not constitute treason.
Rick Perry struts into town, both guns blazing. But then he opened his mouth and we all remembered why nobody wants another president from the state of Texas—EVER AGAIN! Rick may not be ashamed to say he’s a Christian, but you don’t need to be listening to this idiot every day to realize there’s something wrong in America when a big old homophobe can be taken seriously as a presidential candidate, but suicides among gay teenagers are becoming epidemic. Oops.
The Republican field is so damn bad and so detestable to their own party that they begged and pleaded for Christ Christie—a first term governor from New Jersey—to save them from the horror of having to vote for Mitt Romney.
But alas, along comes Mr. Nine Nine Nine, himself, Herman Cain. A man whose economic plan was strikingly similar to that found in Sim City, a man who derives inspiration from Pokemon the movie, a man who proudly proclaimed, “We need a leader, not a reader.” What was his downfall? No, it wasn’t any of the above, it wasn’t an abject failure in understanding foreign policy, and it wasn’t even the multiple charges of sexual harassment. No, what the Republicans found too distasteful for their vote was an extramarital affair between two consenting adults. Bye, bye pizza man.
Bring in the Newt, who’s got more baggage than the Duggars bringing their 96 kids to Disney World. He took off in the polls until people realized that he was even more detestable to his own party than to the Democrats. Now he can’t even get his campaign together enough to qualify for the ballot in his own home state. Looks good for a guy bidding to run the country. Adios Newt.
Re-enter Donald Trump and his debate and a new threat to run as an independent. A middle finger from the candidates (except, of course from Gingrich and Santorum, who will never win any nomination except maybe if the Westboro Baptist Church forms a party) and a quick fizzle for Trump again. Hey, Donald, you’re nothing but the butt of jokes now. Go away.
Let’s also not forget the supporting cast—the debate crowds. The cheering for the killing of mentally retarded prisoners, the booing of gay soldiers (who fight for your rights while their own get shit on), cheering the idea of letting the uninsured die on the streets, and emphatically supporting the idea of child labor (Good idea to jump start the economy-let’s take the few jobs that are available that adults so desperately need and give them to children. They come way cheaper. I hear the going rate in China is about 2 bucks an hour).
Seriously, Republicans, is this the best you have to offer? While it is extremely entertaining, this isn’t reality television. In case you haven’t noticed, our country is in a bit of an economic quandary. These people are running to be the leader of the free world, not auditioning for the gazillionth season of the Real World.
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